Even A Smart Ass Has A Soul

I wrote this a long long long time ago. I came across it again and decided to put it up



My world from the inside out - delicately balanced on an ancient and long abandoned cob web.

Yet it feels at times that no one sees it. Eyes see me - they know I exist - yet it is as surreal as a purple dusk, easily glanced, yet easily forgotten - knowing the sky will shine again the next day - therefore there is a beauty in absolutely nothing. Relied upon by others - they knowing my ways - yet nonessential in so many ways - much like a broken asthetic on a car.....maybe a little missed and ugly without, but not necessary for ease of travel.

I have seen things most people wouldn't believe - yet I re-live them nearly every night. No one knows. There is nary a soul who can possibly understand my thoughts or what I have done or seen. As complex and random as the infinite digits of pi, there is no one who dare take a chance and try to understand or make sense of the complexity. The irony is uncanny - I am so simple I am complex.

My smile - my twinkle - my fiber...all so fiercely genuine, yet falls on deaf ears and blind eyes and retracted minds. I try. I move my shell and I try - and like my bad dreams I sometimes make no progress - stuck in this endless circle where there are no walls and no levels. Stuck in a place that twists and wrings my soul like a wet washcloth - my lifesource following the path of least resistance. In time, it feels like this wringing wash cloth turns to paper towel - weak - fragile, and tearing apart....undiscernible pieces left to dry and wither away fleeting like any average forgettable moment in time.

My soul - often tormented and fucked with without apology by others unlike minded - constantly weighing heavily on this mind and heart - telling me to never change - yet also translating to me there is no end - thus, the conundrum of life. Happiness - the one emotion I evoke to all those who pass my way - constantly giving - providing - thinking of - and occasionally obtaining - that last part being all too often short lived, at least in my experience thus far. As small and exciting to see as a cute and scared salamander - but untouchable as it slithers between rocks never to be seen again - knowing the rocks...if moved....could crush it.

Love - this part and parcel sent to me but twice in my life - always within arms reach - yet like a cul de sac - I see beauty in its circular promise that is so rarely kept. I want it more than anything. I want to know it is real and just and honest. Undying yet unforgiven - I feel - I express - I have waited a lifetime for it to come to me - I have waited for its connection - I have waited for that switch of electricity that comes from a never ending source - infinitely drawn from the deepest depths of forever ago and past lives lived. From such joy - comes such magnitude and power - only the connection being the fury that allows the soul to truly understand it. I want it more than anything - it is all that matters to me. It is all that matters in anyones life - it is the only thing that lives on as a legacy to those left behind - and the only thing you can take with you.

Hate - it consumes me in a deeper hidden cellular level; it is my deep dark secret. The human spirit - that which surrounds me - betrays my soul - causing me to pay witness to dishonor and disloyalty everywhere I turn. It pains me. It kills me to see it. It angers me, this dishonesty - it has hurt me before - and I see traces of it all around me - the liars, the abusers, the cheaters....I want to escape from it; I detest its cryptic crawl - its dyslexic message - I detest its agenda - I detest its plan. And like poison ivy - it creeps into every space of soil - it cannot be killed - only controlled......it grows and grows and enters the bloodstream and has but one function....to cause outbreak and pain. In this place where no walls exist - there are tangible metal bars - that restrict my movement - that disparage my plans to escape, like guards hired by satan to keep me down. I shout to them - to leave me alone, they cannot own me, they cannot keep me down, they cannot hurt me - yet they never stop trying - and occasionally are successful and throw me in solitude with no food - no water. But I smile. I joke. I try.

My future - I have high hopes for it - and much like a schoolboy who does not appreciate what he already has - I hope for the best - as I should. I deserve happiness.

My promises - to myself - is to never stop being who I am. Much like a hand built stainless steel DeLorean with low resale - I promise to myself, to never give in to the roads always travelled - to never give myself to someone who does not care, to never give myself to betrayal - and to continue being me, despite the occasional alpha and omega of pain, and hope for the best. I promise to love myself, to honor this fate I have of understanding the world and people, and to just be me. I promise to fight for love - to forever hold it when I sense it...to feel it...to honor it, to have it surround me like flames on the sun - neverending...never questioned - to just feel its beam on my face. There is no greater joy than to love and be loved and be 100% happy with that. To not fall into the social graces of the western thought process - to plug into that other soul that speaks to my own - that soul I can feel - that soul I can taste - that soul I absolutely cannot live without, and for the other - to feel the same. To love the idiosyncracies of our spirits - our quirks - our dreams - and to really hold them dear and feel completely free. To be completely free.


What I want:
1.) I want a new job - away from negativity

2.) I want friends who are real - that I know I can trust - that I know have nothing but my best interests at heart - as I do them. I want to know they exist.

3.) I want affection. I want to give the world to someone who cares for me - like I do them. I want to give it all - and I never want it to stop. I want trust - I want love - and I want to be able to say it, shout it out to the world, to just know that this is it - this is life - this is that connection and that there is no other for me or the other. To exist - to know and share - to be okay with it - to grow old and know that all is right with the world. I want to be me - and have another person love that piece of me - for whatever it is worth. I want that person to be themself as well - and for me to love that piece of them - for whatever that is worth.

4.) I want nothing more than truth to surround me. The stench of lies - some hidden and some slapping me in the face - I just don't want to pretend any longer they are not there; I only want to be around truth.

These - are my goals.